Finding your son’s Tik Tok

by Tom Walsh

… doesn’t mean you have to watch them all.

  • Like the one Tik Tok removed, where he lip synchs “my sexuality doesn’t define me as a person” while fashioning a giant penis from purple clay. What classroom is he sitting in? Do I know that teacher? As long as he keeps his grades up, I guess I won’t say anything.
  • The one where he’s in bed with a girl, titled after a day of spooning, with the caption, “mother: no girls in room cuz sex.”
  • The one where he deep throats a straw. Didn’t see that coming, but it’s funny.
  • The one titled isn’t this supposed to be the planet’s most secure security system? as he struts across a pew in an empty church, limp-wristing right, left, right, left and captioned “me walking into church and not getting obliterated by god’s light for giving that Gluck Gluck 9000.” Note to self: Don’t google Gluck Gluck 9000.
  • The one responding to an offended Christian who asked if the church video was “supposed to be funny?” and, with his wry smile, lip synchs Elton John, it’s a little bit funny.
  • (Couldn’t help it, googled Gluck Gluck 9000. Snort laugh like a sea lion; look guiltily over shoulder to see who’s around.)
  • The one titled father spat his coffee back into the cup hearing this. I didn’t (I’m pretty sure I didn’t).
  • The one where he says “sometimes I genuinely feel like if I don’t get praise I will die.” Note: Make sure to compliment him on the yard work (even though I have to re-rake everything).
  • The one titled good thing I like pain with a caption: “name something you might hurt yourself riding on.” Don’t watch this one. Just don’t.
  • The one titled it’s the way he sits for me while Lady Gaga screams “don’t act straight when you’re gay!”
  • The one with the title I think I’d rather you just call me a slur, which quickens my pulse thinking of all the slurs people will throw at him, the ones he’s already endured and never told me about, though he came close on a road trip in a little hick town where he sensed a vibe that eluded me. He was happy to leave.
  • The ones I hope he makes, with titles like everything turned out great after all and finally the world gets me. I’d watch those all day.

Tom Walsh writes from northern California and Cambridge, MA. His stories can be found in Hobart, Lost Balloon, Janus Literary, Miracle Monacle, Dead Skunk Mag, and elsewhere. He is an assistant editor at Flash Fiction Online. He’s spent time as a wildland firefighter, reporter, and editor.