Protocol: Generating a stable partner with patience and frequent reassurance

by Andrea Lius

Adapted from “Generating stable cell lines with lentivirus” on Addgene

Introduction

This protocol can be used to generate a stable partner expressing secure attachment from internalized feelings of love and security. Unlike the short-term distance gained by clamming up, shutting down, or running away, generating a stable partner using patience and frequent reassurance enables the natural development of a healthy, long-term relationship free from co-dependency. Moreover, repeated interactions with a securely attached partner, as opposed to an anxiously attached one inflicted with sadness and confusion due to their transiently distanced partner, increase overall relationship stability, as it eliminates variations associated with mixing unpredictable circumstances with insecure individuals.

In some instances, internalized feelings of love and security may deliver an overall boost in self-esteem and resistance to other external stressors (e.g., parental disapproval, work stress), which promotes awareness of one’s own insecure tendencies. Encouraging this form of introspection enables the self-elimination of remaining proclivities to be unstable, resulting in a more homogenous, though still vibrant combination of personality traits. Such awareness and reflection may end up being a vital step in obtaining stability, both in one’s individual existence and as part of a couple. Note that patience and frequent reassurance may not always deliver said boost in self-esteem, as each individual’s receptiveness to this approach greatly varies based on their baseline sadness and confidence levels.

This protocol was established by an anxiously attached individual for their secure/avoidant partner but can be adapted to alternative relationship dynamics if sufficiently optimized.

Considerations before you start

  • Consideration of your partner’s mental health state is critical for obtaining optimal results.
    • Identify external stressors and other possible causes of depression (e.g., family, work, seasonal changes).
    • Do not over- or under-socialize your partner.
    • Keep the relationship feeling fresh. Show that the more you get to know your partner, the more you become interested in them. It is even better if you actually feel this way.
  • Discourage your partner from overindulging in cocktails and chicken nuggets, as it can increase sadness and lower self-image in the long run and affect receptiveness to this approach.
  • The success of this protocol can greatly vary depending on the current stage of your partner’s life and other things that they may be struggling with. Do not take failures personally.
  • It is not recommended that your partner be subjected to love and reassurance in an unpredictable, hot-and-cold manner, as the main goal is to help them achieve an internal sense of stability.

Procedure

  1. Before beginning, determine the optimal dose of alone time that your partner needs to establish a sense of individuality while being in a long-term, committed relationship. Note that your partner’s apparent clinginess likely stems from a deeply rooted longing to be able to rely on themselves, not you.

Pro-Tip

Prepare a range of combinations of days/nights of being alone (e.g., seeing friends or family separately), alone together (e.g., they read, you play games) and together without distractions.

An ideal week may be as follows: one night of alone time, three nights of parallel coexistence, two nights of low-effort, distraction-free quality time and one date night.

Note that this is just a sample of what your partner may need. What an ideal week looks like varies from time to time, and even more so between relationships.

  1. Verify that your delivery of love and reassurance is not patronizing, or worse, seems desperate.

Pro-Tip

Insecure partners are much less likely to internalize a sense of stability if they observe that you are only thoughtful when you worry that you have made them upset.

Stock up on cheesy cat memes, ideas for “spontaneous” date nights and small “just because” gifts (e.g., stickers, silly socks, cheap farmer’s market jewelry) and use sparingly but somewhat regularly.

Note that this is just a sample of possible thoughtful gestures that may be helpful if your partner has expressed an appreciation for “but-only-if-they-are-good” surprises.

Do not attempt when your partner is already upset, especially if you are the one who upset them.

  1. As your partner thrives as a secure, confident individual, observe their progress and grow alongside them. Take pride in your partner’s improved mental health and your significant role in it.

Pro-Tip

Continue to perform relationship check-ins regularly. This method results in a more stable partner who is just as dorky, if not more. This means that your love does not change your partner. It just helped them shine.

Andrea Lius grew up in Jakarta, Indonesia and now splits her time between Washington and California. Her words have appeared or are forthcoming in The New York Times, The Mersey Review, glassworks and Door Is A Jar. She’s currently experimenting with second-person narratives and hermit crab essays. Find her on Twitter or Bluesky @liuswrites.