by Dr. Lise Deguire
I lie on my back under the ebony Steinway grand. Mom and Dad share the yellow vinyl-covered piano bench, Mom on the right, Dad on the left. She is slim, he is tall; she is contained, he is ebullient; she is straight, he is gay. She does, or doesn’t, know this yet.
Sound booms around me—elegant melody from Mom’s curled fingers—pulsing rhythms from Dad’s. They sway together, nodding at each other’s phrasing, beaming. I’m eight years old and this is Love. Not the yelling, not the rolled eyes, not the scorn. No, this is how they love, fingers gliding together in shared reverence for Ravel.
Under the piano, I clap, applauding their glorious, fleeting perfection.
They left me alone in the house, alone in the hospital, alone after my only brother died. They were careless and their carelessness almost killed me. It might have killed my brother. I’m not sure about that.
Twenty-five years later, long since divorced, they play this duet for my wedding.
Mom and Dad walk to the front of the church and sit together on the hard bench. They bow their heads. Without counting, they read each other’s raised wrists and shoulders and commence at the exact same time. Each note is matched, flawless. They start soft and rise to a crescendo, my mother’s old but perfect fingers sliding up and down the keyboard, my father’s AIDS weakened arms still crashing out the chords.
When they finish, they look at each other, and nod. They rise and kiss me where I stand weeping at the altar.
This is how I know they loved me.
Dr. Lise Deguire is a psychologist, author, childhood burn survivor, and author of the multiple award-winning book, Flashback Girl: Lessons on Resilience from a Burn Survivor. Dr. Deguire has appeared on NPR, NBC, ABC, and FOX. She is a TEDx speaker (“SCARRED not Scary”), whose written work has been featured in Psychology Today,Huffington Post, The Psychotherapy Networker, TrashLight Press and Thrive Global. Her piece in Cowbell Literary Magazine was recently nominated for a Best Of The Net award. She received two artist residency grants at Craigardan. She is the co-editor of Disfigurement: Understanding Visible Difference (Routledge Press.) Connect with Dr. Deguire at her website https://www.lisedeguire.com
Emerge Literary Journal 